I want to de-clutter, but I don’t want anyone to see my mess.
Is this you? If so, you are definitely not alone.
If you’ve watched the Netflix video series called “Tidying Up” with internationally famous tidying expert Marie Kondo, then you know that many people from all walks of life in all circumstances struggle with clutter. Many people feel ashamed that they haven’t been able to do something about it.
Shame is immobilizing
The problem is that, while you may desperately want to do something about it, the powerful feeling of shame keeps you from being able to take steps that would help.
Why is shame so immobilizing?
Shame is the hardest of all the emotions to experience, and there’s a good reason for that. Unlike other unpleasant emotions (fear, anger, sadness), shame cuts to the heart how we view ourselves. Shame is not just about feeling bad. It’s worse than that. It is a sense of being bad, of being a bad person.
Shame tells us that we are unacceptable in the eyes of our fellow humans. And that thought signals a kind of “death” warning to the brain.
Sound dire? Think of it like this.
Our wiring is the same as the cave people
Back in the cave people days, your survival depended on staying connected with your fellow members of the tribe. You knew that as long as you were part of the group huddled together around the campfire on dark nights that your chances of survival were much better. You also knew that if you were thrown out into the cold, you would not last long. On a biological level, it’s simple as that.
So shame is an emotion that reminds us that we need the tribe, and that we’d better be careful not to break the tribal norms too much, or we could risk getting tossed out. It’s not a conscious thought, but it’s there as part of our built-in way of surviving.
While many things have changed since the cave people days, our emotions and hard-wiring have not. Shame still carries with it the terrifying fear of rejection. This is true for all of us.
If I’m immobilized by shame, what can I do?
Good news! There is hope. Here are some things you can do:
- Name it. Psychotherapists have a mantra, which is, “when you name it, you tame it.” Shame has a tendency to gain strength in the shadows when you push it away, even though that’s a very common way of dealing with it. It starts to lose power when you bring it into the light. Sharing it with another trusted person is a first powerful step for counteracting it.
- Remember! You are not your clutter. Write this on an index card and put it on your bathroom mirror. Your inner being, your essence, your spirit have nothing to do with your things and how they are put away. Your stuff is not you, nor is it a reflection of you! To borrow a term from KC Davis, author of “How to Keep House While Drowning,” your mess is “morally neutral.”
- Befriend it. Sit down and write your shame a letter. Ask it if there is some way that it is trying to help you. Ask it what it needs. Ask it what it would be like for it if you had the uncluttered home you long for. Don’t push it away.
- Develop a clear vision. Picture your home and your life-style after you are done de-cluttering and try to feel in your bones what that would be like. Make it vivid in written words or images.
- Get support Getting help from someone who is non-judgemental and knows how to skillfully help you tame the Messy House Shame Monster can make all the difference.
That’s where I come in! I am a certified KonMari consultant, trained to help you de-claw the grip of shame and help you create the home and life you long for!
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